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Insider Tip: Huge Microsoft Acquisition Soon
Posted: 9:02 am
March 24th, 2006
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IT Business, IT Culture

It's Friday folks! Here is a little bit of humor for your weekend, enjoy! Eat your heart out Mary Jo Foley, you've got nothing on me! It no news that plenty of chairs have been flying around Redmond lately. These have been caused by yet another delay to Microsoft Vista, and now to Microsoft Office. Better known as "Microsoft's Cash Cows" these products literally run the business world. The announcement of delays into 2007 has affected the Microsoft stock price, knocked down Nasdaq three days in a row and consequently hurt not just Microsoft but its partners in software publishers, hardware makers, people lonely at Christmas. It has not been a good week for Microsoft. However, I just got off the phone with Steve Ballmer (we chat every friday, I ask whats new there, he asks when OWN is going to offer shell access) and he shared some info with me that he wanted to give Vladville an exclusive crack on. Wow, you are still reading this? Please tell me you get that its a joke? Ok, so here is the skinny: The recent executive changes at Microsoft are nothing more than a cleanup operation. The "new" exec reshufflings have really been high level janitorial appointments and are in process of cleaning up the offices prior execs have been in. I know, I know, they should be able to clean this place up in 10 minutes - oh no, not true. If you've ever been around a high power executive you know they are full of it. However, when required to be accountable for missed deadlines and lost money with a chair coming at their face they tend to explode. Massive cleanup. The rumor? Microsoft has hired George Broussard to run the Microsoft Platforms & Services division. According to Steve what had attracted him to Broussard was his superior management of the Duke Nukem: Forever game and he felt that Broussard gives the company that much needed PR edge. George was not immediately available for comment but did send an email reply saying "Vista will be done when its done. Vlad, STFU imo!"; Coincidentally, Bill Gates also released a press release a few minutes ago titled: "Hail to the King, baby." - apparently 90% of the subsaharan Africa and major parts of SE Asia fell to their knees. Update: Just spoke to George Broussard and we talked at length about the true reason for delays of Vista. There have been many speculations over why the delay was neccessary but George simply said it was the rendering engine behind Vista. Forget about Glass, its all about Unreal rendering technology. He estimated that roughly 60% of the code will have to be rewritten and the switch will likely be completed in six weeks. On the topic of further relases he did mention that we will see a new beta at E3. Update 2: Ok, just got off the phone with Bill (Bill Gates, we're on the first name basis you know) and he mentioned that Broussard is really just the first in the line. He is actually hiring Al Lowe to handle the release of Vista and provide management of the MicrosoftBS unit (Microsoft Dynamics) and take personal ownership of Microsoft SBA. You see, Al Lowe gained fame by claiming they lost a version of Leisure Suit Larry back in the 90's. Gates hopes the same management style can be a win-win for Microsoft who does not seem to get its act together until version 3. Al has been a Microsoft consultant for a while now, as a matter of fact he is the brilliant soul behind R2: "Guys, guys, guys. Instead of releasing a new version lets just bundle all the old crap thats already out there, throw it into a new box, and tell them its the next release?" Hey, it worked before and it worked again!

11 Comments

Vlad |

Ok, so something fun for your Friday afternoon :) This of course will make sense to a very small population of men out there I’ve been reading one delay and restructuring announcement after another and it just seemed like dejavu. While I understand people expect the world out of Microsoft they are just a software company, they will do what every other software company does and thats missing deadlines. I cannot believe that people out there are still shocked over these things.

But you must admit its very funny :) I mean, come on. The Vista project is in lockstep with Duke Nukem Forever. Seriously. Problems with rendering engines. Three core architectures stripped off. Several preview releases and countless screen shots. Arguments with the distributors (TakeTwo) and releases of other half-baked games in the meantime to appease the masses. It cannot get any more real.

http://www.3drealms.com/duke4/

Hail to the king, baby!

-Vlad



TStrompson |

ROFL! I just saw a Google Ad for Larry The Cable Guy on your blog. Google sure knows how to advertise to the right audience :)



Anonymous |

Microsoft Vista DNF! :)



SteveB |

Bad bad bad Vlad :) Though at least 3D Realms is honest - It will be done when its done.



blake jones |

Awesome post man. Every Friday should be the Vlad funday. You are one funny mofo!



Stevereno |

Rumor has it that it’s been difficult putting the final touches on the “flying chairs” screensaver, availale exclusively, on the Steve Ballmer “Signature” edition of Vista.



happyfunboy |

i will take a bit of credit for introducing vlad to the wonderful world of smartass-colored glasses…

bows



Stevereno |

Chris - I don’t think you can take a lot of credit for that!



Vlad |

Yeah, despite a lot of work I’ve done with Chris he has yet to experience the Vlad Live ™ presentation.

If you’ve never seen someone sell a PocketPC by explaining it through porn its somewhere along those lines :) But hey, Microsoft loves me. That presentation to 20+ people got 3 of them off palm and one of them to upgrade their SmartPhone to a real PocketPC.

Vlad:
“Now what happens when you talk on this phone in Florida? Turns into a glazed doughnut in two minutes, doesn’t it?”

Woman in the audience, Danielle from kicosultants.com:
“Is that before or after porn?”

-Vlad



Anonymous |

Maybe they should outsource Microsoft management to India since India is doing such a great job with PSS Support! NOT ;-) Like so many companies that get as diverse as Microsoft has become they start to loose focus and momentum. The people at the top have gotten too rich and comfortable to be productive and realistic.



Jeff Dempsey |

Porn presentation got 3 people off Palm…???

Too easy…

all too easy…
;)
Jeff



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