I’ve been fielding a lot of support questions over the past few days regarding the messages simply vanishing, particularly my quarantine reports that have a mention of viagra about 300 times each. If you’re noticing a sudden lack of SPAM it is because of IMF’s new definitions. Exchange had a break in terms of definition updates, there were none for about a month. This latest release has been problematic so learn how to use Message Tracker functionality in Exchange as you’re likely to be hearing about it.

I was out of the office for the better part of last week and finally got a chance to sit down and plow through my voicemail. One thing is apparent, people don’t know how to leave a voicemail. So here is a unfriendly rant guide to help you out.

It’s all about the name (I cannot stress that enough! – PHB)

Start by saying who you are. I got a slew of lovely messages “Hey, this message is for Vlad, please call me back at ___”; The voicemail prompt to my mailbox asks for your name, phone and domain name. So the first thing I assume when I get a message without a name is that you’re a moron that doesn’t deserve a call back. If I’m bored, maybe… maaybe, I will call you back. If you can’t be bothered to even say who you are how do you expect a call back? Voicemail is not a beeper, don’t make me call a big organization and ask them if someone there wanted to talk to Vlad because I’m sure that $5/hour receptionist will be as happy to speak to me as I am to try to spell my 4 character name to him 8 times.

I don’t know your phone number

Leave the phone number slowly, annunciate. I have a hard limit of two times I’m willing to rewind to get your phone number. Please, annunciate. I do not live in your area code, I don’t know your number by heart, I likely have to write it down or type it. So please, please, slow down. Annunciate. That means try to say the number as legibly as you can and slow down between EACH number. This apparently is lost on some people – taking a pause between digit groupings is no help if I can’t make out whats in each grouping. It sounds like “blahblahblah…. blahblah… blahblahblah” and frankly is of no help. Here is a simple exercise: close your mouth after you sound out each number.

Why are you calling me?

Quickly state the reason for your call and expected action. My time is very valuable, I don’t have the time to listen to a 5 minute voicemail detailing your latest vacation, hopes and dreams, latest sexual escapades and your preference of shampoos. Whats more, you’re playing a game of “Make your point before the phone rings again and I hit delete”

Anything else?

Quickly leave any other relevant information. Your availability, company affiliation, relation to me, preferred time for a call back, time zone, language, etc are all relevant. Your Microsoft Partner status, when you met me, your computer history, your business practices are just a waste of my time and precious Exchange storage.

Bring it all together.

Make sure your point gets across. If you need to repeat anything, do so. Keep it relevant. Here is the voicemail I frequently leave.

Hi, this is Vlad Mazek from Own Web Now Corp, calling for __Jimmy Joe Bob____.

My number is 8–7–7 5–4–6 0–3–1–6.

I am calling you to catch up / follow up / inquire / get in touch / find out about the travel accommodations for Gordo’s Mule Day and Chicken-fest.

Please call me back at your earliest convenience. Again, this is Vlad Mazek, 8–7–7 5–4–6 0–3–1–6.

 I can nail that in 30 seconds flat. I also tend to mumble so I leave my phone number twice.

Have the same respect for the people that are calling you. Don’t make people sit through 3 minutes of propaganda or force them to go through 6 levels of IVR to get to you. When they finally hit your voicemail (16 rings later) don’t give the caller your life story – I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t care to hear about the fishing vacation you’re going to or how much you hope that the trout are biting this time of the year. Likewise, make your voicemail legible. My friend Jen, who should know better because she is majoring in PR, reads an entire paragraph – her voicemail is 1.8 seconds in length:

Hi, you’ve reached Jen W at __. I’m not available right now but I will get back to you as soon as I can.

If you don’t leave your name or the reason why you called and I got that as the voicemail prompt when I called you back… I’d hang up. Now keep in mind that we’re a 100% VoIP shop – meaning I can rewind and go through the message as many times as I want. On my T-Mobile cell phone on the other hand…. no chance. I hit delete a few seconds into the phone call.

This daily etiquette lesson has been brought to you by the fine people at Tyson Chicken.

Microsoft finally launched Vista in retail last night in USA. In 1995, 2000 and 2002, this was when hundreds of people would line up and wait for it. Here is what actually happened in 2007, courtesy of Greg Kirkpatrick:

I went to the 10pm-2am Windows Vista launch at CompUSA in Deerfield Beach, FL.

About 60 people were lined up, awaiting the doors to open.  About 15 of them told me they were not there to buy or look at Vista.  That was evident as big-screen TVs, monitors, and other software went out the door in the first hour.  A few more people arrived closer to midnight, but less than 30 customers were present at the stroke of Vista day.

As I have one customer that has to be the first for everything, I purchased Windows Vista Ultimate upgrade for $259.99 — and I’d guess that about 5-10 more copies of Vista were sold by 12:30am, when I left the store (mostly Home Premium).

Bit of sad news today.. LinkedIn connects with $12.8 million.

Yep, they got more money to allow every weirdo that knows your email address to ask you to join their network of other people that won’t do business with them. While I already have linkedin firmly entrenched in my blocked senders list, I have to express my sadness that this service continues to exist. It is nothing short of digitizing those worthless people whose sole existence is to be the worlds secretary - they know everyone yet nobody knows them. For a very good reason too… remember the good old days when “networking” actually meant something more than myspace for grownups?

Yes, I’m still alive. Thanks for the heartbeat check, all is good in Vladville.

We’re working on a lot of cool new stuff over at Own Web Now and most of my time/attention has been dedicated there.The things we’re working on are literally transforming the company far more than I ever thought possible so I hope you can understand that I can’t blog every day and the stuff I really want to talk about I’m not allowed/ready to say. So those are the brakes.

But I will leave you with a thought for the day. I am not sure who said this to me this week but I’ve taken quite a liking to it. I mention it to someone on my staff and they wondered if we could use it. Here is the jist:

“Yes, everything that I receive is extra-urgent. However, stupid does not qualify as urgent. If you were stupid enough to (insert stupid business decision here) don’t expect me to rush to save you.”

Thought provoking or just plain rude?

So you’ve been reading my posts on here about Microsoft roadshows for years now… and the fun is coming to UK: Microsoft SBSC crew is going on the road. They have three shows lined up in February:

Microsoft Thame Valley Park on Thursday, February 1st
Edinburgh on Tuesday, February 6th (sold out, waitlist)
Manchester on Wednesday, February 7th

You can register (do it now, as you can tell one is already sold out) here for them and join about 300 others that already have. I’ve sort of been privvy to the planning of this event so suffice to say you have to be here and you have to show in force. The more interest partners show in these venues the more likely you are to see them repeated in the future so here is the basic agenda:

8.30am - Registration

9.00am - Welcome & Small Business Specialist Community Update

9.25am - Opportunities for partners in the SMB space

9.50am - Keynote (Scott Dodds in TVP, Steve Haddock in Edinburgh & Manchester)

10.20am - Q&A with Executive Panel

11.00am - Break

11.30am - EVO update for small business

12.15pm - New Products update including OfficeLive & AdCentre

1.00pm - Lunch

2.00pm - Partner-to-partner sessions

3.30pm - Break

4.00pm - Partner-to-partner sessions

5.30pm - Drinks & Networking

Susanne Dansey is supporting this event in a big way and has organized a social pre-event. This is a completely unrelated event but if you would like a girl to drink you under the table meet your peers in a more relaxing atmosphere I suggest you get in touch with her immediately. Having seen Susanne pack the smallest bar in Boston and leave it with two hours worth of country music on the jukebox organize community events before I’d say this is prehaps critical to you enjoying the event — it’s always nice going into these symposiums knowing your peers, coleagues and being able to discuss the business without doing it the same hour you met them.

Since this is your first big outing in UK I’ll write some guidelines for it later but register for it first, then contact Susanne and clear your calendar. Here is the semi-official pitch:

This SBSC exclusive roadshow will tour three venues. Rather than just having a bunch of Microsoft speakers, the whole second half of each event in each city will be dedicated to hearing from successful small business partners from across the UK; sharing their secrets on things such as “How I market my company”, “Changing to a managed services business” & “How to work with your local small business infrastructure.” – very much the partner community at work!

Enjoy.

No, I’m not talking about the comments to Eric’s explanation of the MAPS EULA, I’m talking about Windows Genuine (dis)Advantage. From betanews:

Microsoft disclosed Monday that over one in five Windows installations were deemed non-genuine through the company’s Windows Genuine Advantage program, which requires users to validate their operating system before downloading updates from the company.

Since WGA launched in July 2005, over 512 million users have attempted to validate their copy of Windows, Microsoft said. Of those, the non-genuine rate was 22.3 percent. 56,000 reports have been made by customers of counterfeit software, which grants that user a free replacement copy of Windows.

Let me help you with some very complex math there. If over 100 million people try to validate their pirated copy of Windows but only 56,000 actually report that they unknowingly bought it from someone else that translates into roughly 99% of people pirating Windows and being proud of it!

Talk about a new day…. WOW.

And whats the clear, yet sad, message that Microsoft will never be willing to hear? Essentially: “Your software is way overpriced and you’re making me feel like a criminal so I may as well give you a reason..” Will Microsoft recognize that its losing a fifth of its potential customer base to the mistakes Microsoft introduces and controls themselves? Perhaps Vista will answer.

I started this conversation with Amy this morning (Katie, I shared my “remote” strategy with her, Steve watch out) about what its like to manage larger teams of differently skilled employees. Let’s face it, it can be difficult to assert your authoritah without appearing unreasonable, bossy or lacking compassion. Male or female, it’s hard to look very compassionate when you’re asking someone to do something they rather wouldn’t. Amy is not a fan of South Park but those of you that are will clearly remember the fundamental principle of management illustrated to the right.

Here is a full 20 second video that illustrates the process. It is safe for work. Bad monkey!

Update: 1) You guys are sick and 2) By popular demand, here is an MP3 ringtone.

Update 2: Fixed link to the ringtone. Enjoy.

I’m off to Dallas. On Thursday, January 25th, I’ll be presenting a few topics on business/technology to the Dallas Fort Worth SBS User Group. I’ll be talking about:

• Corporate leadership (pre-event, Q&A)
• Exchange 2007
• ExchangeDefender, Shockey Monkey, virtual infrastructure

Just to break it down: Corporate leadership will be a pre-meeting for the members/leaders to discuss business issues. I do not have a presentation prepared, it will be a Q&A of what its like to start, manage and grow a business and manage a growing business. Yes, they are different things. Exchange 2007 will be a technical presentation. I intend to talk briefly about why Exchange 2007 is going to bring a fundamental shift to how we all work, far more so than Vista and even Office 2007 combined. I then intend to do a deployment (some smoke and mirrors, for timing purposes) scenario and walk through the basics and changes. Finally, a live demo of new OWA 2007, Exchange 2003 based on MMC/.NET 3 and any Q&A. Finally, discussion about the stuff I personally work on. It won’t be a sales/hard pitch, I intend to talk about the technology and how/what it does. So if you’re in town on Thursday please stop by, the meeting is hosted by Microsoft at their Las Colinas office.

Since the latest SPAM outbreaks started last October we have been dealing with adhoc problems with huge delays in mail delivery. MSNBC calls it “Spam is back and worse than ever” so it’s natural to assume that its your SPAM filtering thats the culprit in message delays.

Not quite with ExchangeDefender.

But I have to play along and troubleshoot everything that makes us look bad – and customer is always right so if they say they aren’t getting mail on time we have to look. The delays are global, the delays are significant…. why? Image spam.

ExchangeDefender blocks out nearly all image spam out there but you have to understand the global impact made to the email systems when the size of spam goes from 1–5K to 100–300K per message. Look at your storage and bandwidth requirements for mail in August. Now multiply it by 50 to 100 times for the fact that images require a lot more bandwidth than your average text based message.

On the surface the difference of up to 100 Kb per message isn’t that big of a deal… until you multiply it by 10–20,000 images an average 20 user company gets in a day. If you consider that nearly 80% of SPAM comes in during regular business hours you see that you’re moving 100–200 MB per hour. Add that to your regular business web/IM/VoIP traffic and the network response time starts to become an issue.

This is by no means scientific but it is what we’ve been seeing over the last few months. We’re currently designing mail latency troubleshooting systems that will hopefully be in place over the next two weeks or so and let you do latency tests on your own. Stand by…