If I find myself writing another one of these “basic business etiquette” posts I think I’m going to go write some teenage girl self help book because the attitudes some folks have in business seem more like preteen rages against the establishment than legitimate business behavior. Either way, disclaimers up first: Yes, I am talking about you, and this is how I single out people I don’t want to do business with. Is this your setup?

That’s an Asterisk-based wardialer machine.

Do you wardial? There are two variables to availability: I’m there and I can’t pick up the phone (on the phone already) or I am not there. Either way, a sequential redial is highly unwarranted - unless you are dying. There is only one acceptable solution: leave a voicemail. I know what you’re thinking… But Vlad, this is URGENT. No, dear Jessica, it is not any more urgent than what I am doing now. I do not put people on hold for anyone but my wife, I consider everyone I am talking to at the moment to be the most important person in the world. To me, asking to put someone on hold translates into “I am sorry, someone more important is trying to reach me, would you mind sitting in place quietly while I go hang out with them?”

Furthermore, I don’t return wardialed phone calls.

Why? Well, if it was so gosh darn urgent that you had to ring my phone 6 times in space of a minute, if there was a case so urgent that you had to be so persistantly rude, that you had lost all your common decensy for business communication.. you must have been on your deathbed waiting for the venom and were simply calling me to see if I had any around.

I’m sorry, no I didn’t, but I’ll say a prayer for your soul. And you’ll need it because wardialers end up in hell.

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