I am not going to claim that I am, ever have been or ever will be a lonely 13 year old girl. However, I am rapidly becoming more and more familiar with grown men and women that act like 13 year old girls when it comes to communication. Apparently, many had missed out on that little bit of socialization that comes about in your early teens so here is a refresher course on birds and bees:

“You are turning into an attractive young lady, and with that comes a great deal of responsibility. You have noticed changes to your body and boys are starting to pay more attention to you. Here are some common sense tips on how to behave with dignity, get the happiness you deserve and have fun along the way without missing out….”

Now, here is the one for the VAR’s:

“You are becoming a real business now, not just a person that can fix a computer and with that comes a great deal of responsibility. You have noticed changes to your bottom line and revenues and vendors are starting to pay more attention to you. Here are some common sense tips on how to behave like a business, get the increased revenues and opportunities and not miss out on success you deserve….”

Semantics. Not a heck of a lot of difference between becoming a grownup and becoming a successful business. So, to eliminate the risk of being preachy, I’ll mix the 13 year old lonely girl advice with the SMB VAR advice.

1. Always keep two phone numbers.  One for the boys you want to talk to and one for the boys you never want to hear from but still want to be polite to. If you have the same number, the boys that you don’t want will constantly call you and the boys you like will never be able to get through.
2. Always be nice to the boys you like. If the boys you like leave you a message and you don’t call them back, they will not chase you anymore.
3. Always chain the dog if the boy you like wants to come over to hang with you. If the boys you like can’t get by your SPAM filter they are likely not going to keep on emailing you – add them to the whitelist if you expect them to get back to you!
4. Always be available to the boy you want to talk to. Boys have a short attention span and if you aren’t around this week they might fall in like with someone else.
5. Always give a boy your correct address if he is taking you out on a date. If you give the boy a wrong email address, wrong phone number, wrong extension don’t expect him to knock on every door on your street (or extension in the PBX) to find you.
6. If you are interested in a boy and you really, really like him tell him more than once. Boys are stupid. They can’t read your mind. If you want the boys attention, make him pay attention to you.
7. Don’t wardial the boys you like. They will think you are a crazy psycho.

“Be nice to the boys you like. Try to be around the boys you like. If you ignore the boys you like and scoff at the boys you don’t like everyone will think you are a mean girl and you will be very lonely. If you become a slut and give your information to everyone, only the desperate boys you don’t like will call you all the time. And never, ever, ever have sex before marriage (never prepay or buy into partner programs) because if the boy really likes you he will wait till marriage.. Oh, and never call boys from the toilet.”

…

So in summary – if you don’t know how to leave a voicemail, you aren’t getting your phone call returned: Name, phone, reason why you are calling and where you are calling from. Sound it out, annunciate. Never leave the voicemail from your convertible while speeding down I-95. If you expect to receive the email response back, add the person you are emailing to your whitelist. If you don’t get a callback or an email response, try again. Be patient, you may not get a callback within 2 minutes or 2 hours.

What is ridiculously ironic about this post is that you’re reading a technobiz blog yet the advice to the 13 year old is more believable than the advice to a VAR. Sadly, 13 year olds have an excuse to be innocent, grown men and women have no excuse for not being able to leave a voicemail.

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