iLoser: When income is inversely proportional to IQ

Picking on people that make poor IT decisions is a hobby of mine. Picking on Mac users used to be a fun practice but lately its just becoming sad. Case and point: this weeks release of MacBook Pro. Mac faithful have a way of being blisfully ignorant about computing in general and take up arms at anybody making fun of their little toy computers. Even when their world is turned upside down, when their treasured platform is switched to the one that they just a few days ago swore was awful and substandard… they turn their arguments on the dime and persist that they, an always right minority, are somehow enlightened by their messiah in jeans and a turtleneck. Everything is, everything always have been and everything will always be just a poor immitation of something that Apple pioneered.

One thing that Mac users can’t explain is how they can be so right yet remain on the edge of obscurity for nearly two decades and have a digital walkman as their only claim to fame.

Here is a typical conversation with a Mac user:

Of course a successful consumer electronics gadget, leading ecommerce storefront and a brick and mortar business of selling overpriced commodities makes the Apple platform an excellent substitute for real business needs. Duh! Stupid Vlad, haven’t you seen the commercials? Thats where the truth is! Commercials! Like in 1995 when they pushed a switch campaign by claiming Windows 95 runs faster on a Mac. And yes, over the last 11 years everyone switched to a Ma.. say what? They are not even 10% market share? Why.. How..

Oh, yes, its that devil Microsoft again, yes, they control the adoption, needs and desires of people worldwide. That monopolistic criminal that closes their source and makes it proprie.. Whaaa? MacOS made the stuff they stole from FreeBSD proprietary? Ok, ok, let’s regroup here. They did this to protect us, only Microsoft steals.. shine up that halo and throw it on a thorned iLife logo, quick!

But back to evil Microsoft. Those bastards. Don’t you just hate it how they keep on locking people out? I can’t do half the things on a PC that I can do with my Mac. We both run Office. Oh, we don’t get Outlook? Entoura.. IMAP? Are you serious? No wait, how can the flexiblity of Exchange be available through IMAP? Oh, it isn’t? Umm. Ok, well, scratch that, I can always use Gmail and my .Mac. Yes, yes, its a bit of a long shot but I’ll pretend I don’t need any of those server collaboration things. I can share my tunes though! What? Thats locked down to iPod’s only? Well, serves them fine, why should Apple open up iTunes to others? Screw France! Apple is the innovator, it doesn’t have to be open. But those Microsoft bastards! Now thats a completely different story. How? Oh. Um. Let me check my iLife and I’ll let you know.

No lie, that is the conversation you can have with nearly any Mac user, and yes, all well into their adulthood. Why the disclaimer? Well, it sounds like you’re bargaining with an 8 year old in a 24 hour glass toy store.

But Jimmy, why do you want a Mac?
..Because its shiny and plays mp3’s.
But Jimmy, it won’t play with your other toys (software) and costs almost twice as much!
..I want it, I want it, I want it!
But Jimmy, it has a 4x DVD drive, that technology is ancient!
..I want it, they call it SuperDrive, it must be better.
But Jimmy, you can buy that same computer with an OS thats more than a flashy clipboard!
..But daddy, I’m 8! I saw the commercial, the person in the commercial was hip! Commercials don’t lie.

Now most of my audience is IT Professional so its fair to pick on Mactards and beat up Microsoft on Vista delays, lack of features and ignoring partner/customer feedback. But come on! As bad of a rep as Microsoft has they are not even close to Mac’s ignorance of business, backwards compatibility, platform access and OEM systems that actually give you a choice. Maybe Microsoft just needs to get a better marketing department but in the meantime I’ll just keep on laughing at the Apple commercials. Suckers.