I was out of the office for the better part of last week and finally got a chance to sit down and plow through my voicemail. One thing is apparent, people don’t know how to leave a voicemail. So here is a unfriendly rant guide to help you out.

It’s all about the name (I cannot stress that enough! – PHB)

Start by saying who you are. I got a slew of lovely messages “Hey, this message is for Vlad, please call me back at ___”; The voicemail prompt to my mailbox asks for your name, phone and domain name. So the first thing I assume when I get a message without a name is that you’re a moron that doesn’t deserve a call back. If I’m bored, maybe… maaybe, I will call you back. If you can’t be bothered to even say who you are how do you expect a call back? Voicemail is not a beeper, don’t make me call a big organization and ask them if someone there wanted to talk to Vlad because I’m sure that $5/hour receptionist will be as happy to speak to me as I am to try to spell my 4 character name to him 8 times.

I don’t know your phone number

Leave the phone number slowly, annunciate. I have a hard limit of two times I’m willing to rewind to get your phone number. Please, annunciate. I do not live in your area code, I don’t know your number by heart, I likely have to write it down or type it. So please, please, slow down. Annunciate. That means try to say the number as legibly as you can and slow down between EACH number. This apparently is lost on some people – taking a pause between digit groupings is no help if I can’t make out whats in each grouping. It sounds like “blahblahblah…. blahblah… blahblahblah” and frankly is of no help. Here is a simple exercise: close your mouth after you sound out each number.

Why are you calling me?

Quickly state the reason for your call and expected action. My time is very valuable, I don’t have the time to listen to a 5 minute voicemail detailing your latest vacation, hopes and dreams, latest sexual escapades and your preference of shampoos. Whats more, you’re playing a game of “Make your point before the phone rings again and I hit delete”

Anything else?

Quickly leave any other relevant information. Your availability, company affiliation, relation to me, preferred time for a call back, time zone, language, etc are all relevant. Your Microsoft Partner status, when you met me, your computer history, your business practices are just a waste of my time and precious Exchange storage.

Bring it all together.

Make sure your point gets across. If you need to repeat anything, do so. Keep it relevant. Here is the voicemail I frequently leave.

Hi, this is Vlad Mazek from Own Web Now Corp, calling for __Jimmy Joe Bob____.

My number is 8–7–7 5–4–6 0–3–1–6.

I am calling you to catch up / follow up / inquire / get in touch / find out about the travel accommodations for Gordo’s Mule Day and Chicken-fest.

Please call me back at your earliest convenience. Again, this is Vlad Mazek, 8–7–7 5–4–6 0–3–1–6.

 I can nail that in 30 seconds flat. I also tend to mumble so I leave my phone number twice.

Have the same respect for the people that are calling you. Don’t make people sit through 3 minutes of propaganda or force them to go through 6 levels of IVR to get to you. When they finally hit your voicemail (16 rings later) don’t give the caller your life story – I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t care to hear about the fishing vacation you’re going to or how much you hope that the trout are biting this time of the year. Likewise, make your voicemail legible. My friend Jen, who should know better because she is majoring in PR, reads an entire paragraph – her voicemail is 1.8 seconds in length:

Hi, you’ve reached Jen W at __. I’m not available right now but I will get back to you as soon as I can.

If you don’t leave your name or the reason why you called and I got that as the voicemail prompt when I called you back… I’d hang up. Now keep in mind that we’re a 100% VoIP shop – meaning I can rewind and go through the message as many times as I want. On my T-Mobile cell phone on the other hand…. no chance. I hit delete a few seconds into the phone call.

This daily etiquette lesson has been brought to you by the fine people at Tyson Chicken.

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