Final warning: You should not read this blog post. Under any circumstances. Ever.
I love Los Angeles. Best place on earth. Tons of energy. Tons of people. Tons of opportunity. I’m here on my second leg of ExchangeDefender 4 tour and I always make it a point to make a religious pilgrimage – and as you’re about to find out, it is a very religious experience – there is nothing you can do to get closer to afterlife (legally) than the below.
Some people like to wrap themselves in a bed sheet and stand with thousands of other smelly men in the middle of a desert so they can throw a tiny rock at a rather large rock. I like to stand in a line for hours with a bunch of girls not hot enough to get into a club, all for a little nutritious goodness.
If you’re a foreigner, this would be a good time to go dust your furniture, wash the dog, etc. I’m in a rather good mood so this is about to get dangerous.
My dear pal Robbie could never quite appreciate the beauty of the type of food we eat here in America. I must admit, I find it intimidating at times, but that which does not kill me can only make me fatter. So a few years back Robbie and I started talking about the “Luther Sandwich” which I have yet to try. But every time I am in Los Angeles I make it a point to go to Pinks – a family hot dog Hollywood legend since 1939.
Earlier in the day I was looking over ExchangeDefender 4.0 core infrastructure and had a good cause to celebrate. I got to meet up with one of my partners from Los Angeles, Garett Chipman from TVG Consulting. We had the complete “The Hills” experience, eating at a nice restaurant in West Hollywood, on the sidewalk, etc. I got a pizza that seemed to have more veggies than cheese and dough so naturally I had some room left for dinner. And after a long day at work, what better dinner treat before bed like the following options:
So Many Choices….
As I mentioned, Pinks is as much of a hotdog stand as it is a Hollywood tourist attraction. However, when you do show up between 11pm and 3am the place is more of a last call of sorts for bar hoppers and people looking to hang out. On a beautiful LA evening in August (68 F, coming from Orlando in the 90’s with 200% humidity and Dallas hitting in 100’s, this is heaven) there is nothing better than hanging out in a line waiting for a dog. Just in case you’re wondering, I’m not the only guy there, at the time my turn came there were well over 100 people here with the line wrapping around the building.
So how do you stay popular in Hollywood and become a tourist attraction? How do you stake that claim? Why put pictures of celebrities all over the joint. Name sandwiches after celebrities. Here are a few choice pics, enlarge for the actual description:
The Hollywood “Walk of Fame” Dog: All-Beef STRETCH Hot Dog topped with Yummy Coleslaw & Chopped Tomatoes.
The VIEW Dog – TWO All-Beef Hot Dogs in one bun, Topped with Mustard, Onions, Chilli, Cheese & Guacamole.
Brooklyn Pastrami Dog – All-Beef Hot Dog, Topped with Mutard, Pastrami & Swiss Cheese.
Planet Hollywood – Polish Sausage, Grilled Onions, Grilled Mushrooms & Bacon. But wait! Topped with YUMMY NACHO CHEESE.
The Gustavo Dudamel Hot Dog (these are getting progressively more disgusting as you get further in the line)
The “Mulholland Drive” – 10″ Stretch Hot Dog, Grilled Onions & Mushrooms, Bacon, Topped with Nacho Cheese.
Three Dog Night – Hot dog even I didn’t have the courage to order. It’s three beef hot dogs, three slices of cheese, 3 slices of bacon, wrapped in a GIANT tortilla, topped with Chilli & Onions. Oooo lawd.
The Millenium Dog – 12″ Jalapeno dog, chopped tomatoes, lettuce, chili, grilled onions, topped with guacamole.
The Olympic Rings Dog – I actually got this one. I know. I know. 10″ Stretch hot dog. Yummy Barbecue Sauce. Topped with our Famous Onion Rings.
The Ozzy Spicy Dog – “Hot as Ozzy Osbourne”
The Building Process
The hot dog assembly process is pretty impressive. First you are greeted by the assembly engineer that takes your specs and verifies the request.
He then lays out little aluminum/plastic napkins to lay the dogs and buns on. Then, from the metal chest I can only assume is heaven, god creates hot dogs which are carefully placed into the buns.
The hot dog then goes down the assembly line for bacon, cheese, nacho cheese, chili, etc.
The finished product is then delivered to you and explained. The people in front of me were really hungry. My order is on the right. Olympic dog, chilli cheese bacon dog and two plain mustard dogs.
Here is a closeup of the artwork.
How many calories is that? I don’t know, but I did get a diet coke to offset it. Three of them. I was concerned about not taking in enough sodium yesterday I suppose. Gotta get your vitamins.
Now here is where it gets graphic. This is the clean side of the hand after eating the Olympic dog and the chili dog. What you can’t see is the back side, covered in chili oil that will give my hand an orange stain for weeks.
Have you saved any room for desert?
Of course. I’m not an animal! Waiiit.. Wait a minute…
But of course! Randy’s doughnuts in Inglewood! I believe “Lardo” the doughnut mascot from The Simpsons was actually concieved as a parody of this very doughnut stand. Not sure though. But the doughnuts are delicious.
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you 🙂
So a call to action. Please register for TechEd Preday in Australia. Find the one they call Robbie Upcroft and bring him a hot dog. Frozen, Corndog, Olympic dog. You name it. Look around Robbie, you will see Wayne Small attached to him. Wayne will be asking you for your business card. Everyone to bring Robbie a hot dog and present it to him gets two beers on Own Web Now / Vladville, Wayne will be your official beer distributor.
Update: Of course this blog post is for the ladies. Who loves ya, baby? With Playgirl out of print, I got your back: Where else on the Internet can go find an IT blog that gives you a shot of a few hundred weiners all in one blog post? That’s right! Vladville! You’re welcome.